


Calm Me Down

by tabriswrites



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: 69 (Sex Position), Angst, Aromantic Characters, Canon-Typical Violence, Choking, Chrollo is mentioned briefly, Consensual Violence, Demisexual Illumi, Established Relationship, Eye Licking, Frottage, Hair-pulling, Hate Sex, M/M, Platonic BDSM, Post-Canon, Rimming, Violence is canon-typical albeit sexual so i used a content warning just in case, kind of as a joke but not rly, mild bloodplay, this was originally going to be much sadder but it turned into sex so there ya go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-20
Updated: 2015-11-20
Packaged: 2018-05-01 01:36:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5187212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tabriswrites/pseuds/tabriswrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Put myself through living hell<br/>All so I could feel what I felt<br/>When you took me in<br/>Absolve my sins<br/>With your flesh and skin<br/>-Calm Me Down, Mother Mother</p>
<p>"I'm not done trying to kill you," Illumi retorted, even though he was.</p>
<p>[disclaimer: i am not in any way, shape or form affiliated with Mother Mother and i don't hold the rights to their lyrics.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Calm Me Down

**Author's Note:**

> Initially this was going to be angst of the soul-shattering variety. Sometime I'll probably write the original ending and attach it as part of a series, but for now: enjoy this violent, yet still mildly depressing smut fic because I had mercy on your souls. 
> 
> Content warning: A few moments may seem like they have non-con undertones, but I want to make it very clear that i write this as though this is normal for them; they have their own standards as far as verbal vs. nonverbal consent but no contact is unwanted. It's an unspoken, "if I'm not interested in at least seeing where this currently unpleasant physical sensation takes me mentally, i'll punch you in the face and you'll stop." Just read at your own discretion! :^)

Illumi woke up when it was still dark, the same way he had every day for as long as he could remember. There was a certain sense of discomfort that being roused in the bright morning sun had always brought to him. It felt like a searchlight, boring through him and probing. Maybe it was a logical fear, as light obliterated shadows, and the assassin often felt that was all he consisted of. Regardless, every morning he rose right before sunrise and went to the downstairs window to watch the jewel-toned richness of night be bled out by sharply defined pastels. In this way, he could see dawn's every step and it would never sneak up on him.

Sometimes Hisoka would stand with him. Not that particular morning, but sometimes. He wouldn't say much when he did, but Illumi could feel his appraising stare from behind him. Probably thinking how the assassin worried too much. Easy for the magician to say; he didn't have anything to fear from the light. He wasn't desperately clutching to whatever would hold him. Hisoka could feel at home anywhere. He _certainly_ wasn't the type of person to ever fear disappearing; the persistent magician was like a mushroom, constantly popping up places. If you somehow labored under the illusion that he was fragile, you might try to stomp him out, but he would only come back with greater force. His true strength was unconquerable, laid out in a never-ending system of invisible roots, a mycelium. The mushroom was only an illusion, the fruit of a much greater immortal force. Illumi's lips twitched up at that thought. _Fruit._ Hisoka would probably like the analogy.

Actually, no. Not a mushroom, the assassin amended. Perhaps Hisoka alluded more to the very morning sun that caused Illumi such discomfort. Effortlessly digging up everything he'd buried, exposing him in ways that appeared gentle, yet tearing in their honesty; bright and stark and lacking mercy. Illumi had known the magician for an inordinate length of time now, and he'd never seen him to not lose interest when sated. The chase was everything to Hisoka; the destination was utterly meaningless unless it ended bloodily. Yet, in familiarity, he'd become used to the man's relentless interest in him. At first, Hisoka had been ceaslessly intrigued by the possibility of Illumi as a worthy opponent, and therefore sought to know everything that made him tick. Now it was clear to Illumi that he'd gotten...dare he say, bored?

Laced with Hisoka's intrinsic desire for power struggle was undeniable lust. Illumi had not escaped this piece of being a "toy" of Hisoka's untainted. Actually, there wasn't a part of Illumi's body that hadn't been experienced at Hisoka's hands or mouth at some point. Ultimately, the _first_ time he'd ever been touched had been at the hands of the redhead. The magician was persuasive, capable of being as artificially sweet as the bubblegum he named his Nen after when the motivation struck. The assassin didn't have a need for sex, but when he endured it with the experienced magician, he faced the revelation each time that his neglected nerve-endings weren't nearly as numb as his outward personality. Truly, even animalistic things like that could be pleasant. And he didn't trust Hisoka, nor even _like_ him very much, but he didn't need to, really. Illumi wasn't afraid of harm coming to his body, and it never did —not unless he asked for it.

That was a thing of the past, however. The eldest Zoldyck child wasn't quite sure why they even remained together in the same building, familiarity maybe? Unless, maybe it had something to do with his earlier testimony to the magician being able to feel at home anywhere. The only time they would truly interact now was whenever Hisoka suddenly felt the desire for a partner in building a card castle, and Illumi would join him. Cross-legged on the floor, they would talk about meaningless things. Although, some days Illumi's fingers would spasm with so much withheld strain that he'd inadvertently send the entire deck of cards fluttering to the ground. Those times, he'd straighten and turn on his heels before he could see Hisoka's face. Embarrassing.

It wasn't enough. None of it was _enough._

That day was the same way: Woke up early, made brief contact with his family to receive a job assignment, obliterated the target, and came back to an apathetic Hisoka.

This time Hisoka was laid out flat on the roof, looking up into something unidentifiable in the sky. Like a second aura his profile was strikingly backlit by the orange light of sunset. In that moment, Illumi vaguely pondered throttling him. _Me or you._ Two strong people took up too much space. It was suffocating.

Before, it had been exhilarating. Partners in crime, Bonnie and Clyde. They'd never been _that_ sickeningly domestic, of course. Hisoka still had his own agenda even then, but regardless, he kept coming back for more. A small fragmented memory resurfaced, a long drive at breakneck speed. Illumi's hands folded into his lap, staring straight ahead. And then Hisoka, driving like a fiend, only half of it actual rush, the rest a ploy to see if he could crack the stoic mask of Illumi's face by swerving. The Zoldyck had told him to fuck off and focus on the road at the time. In hindsight the situation seemed charming, though. Hisoka knew roughly the reaction he'd get, yet he never stopped being amused by the assassin. He'd said as much while they had stood watching the scattered airships float away, specks against the blue. Strange which memories chose to stick around.

Now, on the roof, Illumi questioned whether any new memories of Hisoka would even be worth remembering.

It was easy, throwing the pin. He'd done it thousands of times before; felt the momentary pull of resistance from the stitches of his collar as he tugged it free, made his muscles contract and release with the precision of an arrow to hit a target. 

He missed, of course. It was expected. As if Hisoka would let himself be hit even when caught off guard. Instead of sinking into the magician's jugular, the needle jerked sharply before being flourished in a wide loop and dropping into Hisoka's outstretched palm. 

"For me, Illu? How generous. You could have just handed it to me, you know~" he chastised, sitting cross-legged and twirling the pin with Bungee Gum.

"Gotta keep you on your toes," Illumi replied, and roundhouse-kicked him in the face.

A lesser assassin would have winced at the jarring contact his foot made with bone, but Illumi only readjusted his stance as if to strike again. Inexplicably, he paused his assault and waited for a reaction, outstretched hand poised in defense. Hisoka spat blood onto the roof. When he looked up, he wasn't smiling. Yellow eyes glinted with steel menace. "It's really gonna be that way, dearest _friend?_ " He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and stood. Visible bloodlust billowed around him. "You should know our relationship doesn't grant you mercy. I'll kill you the same as I would anyone, and I'll enjoy it~"

The assassin stared him down calculatedly. "I so love it when you talk dirty to me," he deadpanned. His legs bunched under him and he sprung at Hisoka, who dodged his lithe movement with ease, darting behind him. Illumi whirled to look at the clown bastard, whose expression was one of pleased realization.

Narrowed eyes scrutinized the assassin's face and he felt eerily exposed. "Wait, Illumi Zoldyck...making a joke? Perhaps I've misread the situation." He tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Is this something we should continue in bed~?" the magician enticed. Remarkable, truly, the speed with which he could change from murderous to suggestive.

The eldest Zoldyck child froze. He hadn't anticipated that response, although in retrospect, he should have. Hisoka thought he was joking? Ha, not bad. He had to admit it was easiest to go along with it, to feign that was merely all he'd meant. It had been eons since they'd had sex...it could be that was all he really needed to halt the building irritation that had been plaguing his being. Though, the part of him thrumming with impulsivity still craved to end it right here.

A hand suddenly constricting his ribs caught him off guard, and he felt the familiar press of a razor-sharp playing card against his throat. So he wouldn't have to choose; it'd been decided for him. A relief, of sorts. "Oops, I win~ The answer is _yes._ " the magician cried gleefully. The card was tossed aside and replaced by a mouth, and Illumi twitched when the shameless hedonist licked up his neck to his ear slowly.

The contact stopped, and Illumi leaned instinctively toward the empty space where the magician's tongue had been. An obnoxious cackle cut the air and the assassin's eyes snapped open. He hadn't realized he'd even shut them...unprofessional. In the past few moments the sun had disappeared behind the horizon and the orange glow was gone. Hisoka sat leaning off the edge of the roof, bathed in evening glow and staring at him pointedly. A forming bruise was visible on his jaw, his smile quirking up at Illumi's transparent nature. "You're much too easy~ It's a wonder no one got to you before me. Meet me in my room?"

Illumi pursed his lips in distaste but nodded. Hisoka noted the affirmation and disappeared off the roof in response. The assassin had no choice but to follow.

• • •

The wood floor was cool against Illumi's feet as he stood beside the window where he'd entered. The assassin didn't mind—he'd missed it. Lately things had been boringly repetitive, even for someone who who took such security in routine. Plus, a sensation which interested him marginally more was the sight of Hisoka, nude and posed alluringly on the bed at the other end of the room. Illumi stepped neatly out of his pants and left them with his other discarded garments. A moan left the magician's vicinity and the assassin's gaze flicked up to his face. 

"I haven't seen your body in a while, and you just tried to kill me. Of course I'm turned on," the redhead supplied cheerfully. 

"I'm not done trying to kill you," retorted Illumi, even though he was.

Hisoka's brows arched higher. "Oh? Do continue~" he purred, beckoning the assassin forward.

The killer slunk the length of the room and settled catlike in Hisoka's lap. Licking his lips coquettishly in reply, the magician stroked back Illumi's cloak of dark hair with fabricated tenderness. Illumi's hands closed around his throat and squeezed. Hisoka didn't falter, just swapped the gentle stroke of his hand for a harsh grip that sloped behind the assassin's shoulders and scraped nails down his spine like he knew Illumi wanted. The assassin shuddered and released his grip once Hisoka drew blood. The magician readjusted the Zoldyck in his lap so that their cocks pressed together and lllumi crossed his ankles in the small of the sinuous back, bracing his toes on the headboard. Locking flat black eyes with dancing gold ones, he pinched the magician's nostrils shut harshly and crushed their mouths together, whimpering when he tasted the faint bloody flavor left from his earlier bruising kick. The magician responded with the same fervor and shoved his tongue in Illumi's mouth, even as he was incapable of breathing. The assassin responded with a jolting thrust that dragged his cock against Hisoka's and sent trails of heat down his own thighs. Their teeth clacked and Hisoka's face turned purple from lack of oxygen fairly quick. It wasn't a pretty kiss. He bit down on Illumi's tongue and the assassin released him with a backhand across the face. He rocked gently for friction while his intimate regained his lung function.

Once Illumi was satisfied that Hisoka could breathe again (via his strangled declaration of, "Ah...provocative!~"), he leaned back until his shoulders hit the mattress; a deliberate show of bewitching submission tonight, then. A smug purr left his partners mouth and the assassin watched as his legs were unhooked from around Hisoka and spread uncomfortably wide. Thighs out, feet at odd angles to the bed—a filthy pose unsuited to the aloof killer. Although, the magician seemed to think it fit the Zoldyck quite well if his lewd expression was any indication. Illumi didn't know this, but Hisoka was admiring the fact that the assassin's cock was already arched perfectly over his abs, pink and dribbling pre-cum, yet he still acted detached and bored...classic Zoldyck. 

He nipped the sensitive skin at the back of Illumi's knee and the assassin's calf slammed down lightning-quick to rest on his shoulder. Hisoka giggled and began to kiss and bite...dragged his teeth down, down, _down._ "You're so _vengeful_ right now," he sighed from between the assassin's thighs. "It makes me want to defeat you even more~"

Illumi looked away, which proved to be mistake when a warm tongue suddenly flicked into him. _Fuck!_ Illumi's hands reflexively shot down to yank the magician's hair before he recovered some semblance of restraint and sat back on his elbows curiously. White-clear beaded more from the tip of his cock. When Hisoka pressed in again, the assassin shot up clumsily and gave the magician's cheek a rough pinch that he held, just to watch the skin blossom pink over the bruise again and feel jaw muscles flexing while he was tongue-fucked. He moaned freely and shut his eyes, letting the joker lick deeper and add finger that rubbed slyly over a spot that made Illumi's hands shake.

"Mmm...let me try something~" Hisoka interrupted his orchestrations and sat back on his heels. 

The disgruntled assassin glared, but the magician only gestured that he should turn over onto his stomach, so he did. Sharp nails vigorously gripped his hips and dragged him backward—causing all his hair to fall aggravatingly into his face—onto Hisoka. He'd laid with his head on a pillow and now had Illumi effectively suspended ass-up and blind on his hands and knees above him. The reason for this was clear as soon as he spread the assassin's ass and licked a long stripe over his balls and entrance. Illumi swore.

"Better?" Hisoka inquired knowingly.

"Yes. Keep going, please," Illumi spoke into the shroud of his own hair, through which he currently could see nothing.

"Do me too?" Hisoka whined, arousal laced through his words. 

Illumi made what must have looked enough like a nod, because Hisoka reached over intuitively and swept his hair back and over one shoulder, introducing light to his deprived eyes. The assassin expressed his gratitude at the gesture by abruptly popping the weeping tip of the magician's cock into his mouth and twirling his tongue. Hisoka's thighs spasmed and he moaned lasciviously, awarding Illumi's effort with a sudden odd plunge of his tongue that had every hair on the assassin's body standing erect. He had to admit Hisoka was perceptive; he knew Illumi became particularly generous when his wishes were fulfilled, and this was no exception. Plus, on a Transmuter, giving head was hardly objectionable. The assassin contemplated the peculiarly sweet taste and fit as much dick as he could in his mouth, working the rest with slender fingers. His hips were gripped tighter in response, so he replaced his mouth with his hand and bit the magician's hipbone hard, distracting the clown as he delicately placed a knuckle against the sensitive stretch of skin between balls and entrance. He waited...then jabbed at the spot, _hard,_ and predictably felt Hisoka convulse and keen wantonly. 

Illumi briefly entertained the idea of sucking Hisoka off until he came, but he didn't have the patience. Instead, he pinched the magician's thigh. "Fuck me now." 

"Hmmm? Aren't I already~?"

The eldest Zoldyck child, annoyed, grimaced and looked over his shoulder. "You know what I mean, Hisoka." 

His companion's face split into a gratified smirk and he slid free of the cage of Illumi's body, kneeling behind him on the sheets. "I'm not sure I do actually~ Do you want me to _penetrate_ you, Illu? Violate you? Come in you? Tear you _apart?_ Are you _sure?_ I could break you...just like a porcelain doll~" 

Illumi bristled. "Yes, creepy asshole. You act like we haven't done it before." 

Hisoka's hand was cold as it pressed into the small of his back. "I know...but it's been so long. I wonder if you still can take it like you used to~"

Illumi spun so that they were face to face. He felt cruel suddenly. "Better, actually. Chrollo isn't nearly as gentle." 

Hisoka's jaw dropped. 

"Just kidding..." He flipped back onto his stomach. 

"Illumi!" A barking laugh—a genuine one—burst from Hisoka. The magician recovered quickly, yet his voice dropped to a murmur. "I'll let you in on a secret...I knew instantly you were lying~" he sing-songed. "Chrollo is the _sweetest_ of lovers~" 

The assassin wasn't surprised nor phased. "I don't particularly care what you do sexually with anyone else so long as you continue to provide me the same consideration. Now would be a good time." 

Dimples appeared in the predator's cheeks as a frightening grin split his face, baring his canines. "Gladly~"

Gripping Illumi's black locks, he wrenched his neck back and rolled him onto his side, pressing the entire filthy span of his own body against the killer's supple back, like a missing puzzle piece. Hisoka's chin rested neatly in the joint of Illumi's neck and shoulder, knee slotting between the assassin's thighs. The Zoldyck suppressed a flicker of irritation at having his hair pulled without permission, but endured it. He was simply pleased they were actually getting somewhere. Involuntary tears pricked at his eyes when the magician yanked his hair again cruelly so he'd turn his head, but he didn't blink. Illumi watched Hisoka's gaze pander over his features hungrily. He could feel the deviant's hardness against his hip as he purred, "I like your eyes, Illu."

The assassin surveyed him warily, having an unpleasant idea of where this was headed.

"Can I taste them~?"

Too late to say no anyway...if he had wanted to. Illumi allowed his vision to blur as the magician licked his lips, delicately pulled down the bottom eyelid closest to him and blew across the skin. His lid tried in vain to squint, stopped by Hisoka's invading thumb. The assassin let a few tears leak from his eye and opened it wide again. He didn't flinch when the rough surface of the sadist's tongue swiped over his eye, once, twice. The sensation was vile, like wet sandpaper on the pliable membrane. Hisoka moaned _—despicable—_ and pulled away. Illumi blinked rapidly, trying to stifle the burning sting. How someone could get off on that was beyond him, but he suspected for Hisoka it had more to do with the stimulation he received from causing the assassin discomfort. Even through his bleary eye he could see the magician's purely exultant expression, could hear his rapid panting and feel his cock twitch. 

Maybe that was why he let the magician do it again, as abhorrent as the experience was; didn't protest even after his other eye was pale pink around the iris and streaming. Hisoka had a way of making him do gross things. Sinful.

The magician's hand trembled with destructive intent as he caressed down Illumi's body. He tucked the top one of the assassin's legs sharply to the contract killer's chest, trapping the remaining limb to the bed with his thigh and lining himself up. "I can't wait anymore, Illu," he stated seriously. "You've been prepared alright, hm?"

Illumi thought not, but he was too hard now to care. He hissed at the unexpected genuine pain, unable to stop the raw whine that tore from his throat when the magician thrust in brutally. Hisoka didn't let up—he seemed to somewhat know what Illumi wanted when he didn't even know himself. He was fucked in uneven, forceful thrusts that the assassin could feel reverberate along his entire spine. Filthy stretch, that was what he focused on; Being truly, honestly filled up. Zoldycks didn't have much practical use for sexuality outside of romantic relationships, and since Illumi had never showed a particular propensity for love or lust, neither had presented itself. Hisoka was the only one who could ever heat him from lukewarm, and the assassin quietly reveled in it.

He opened his eyes, _wide,_ wide as they could go so he could feel the burn of it. Illumi counted the fan blades above him when Hisoka pressed in deep. There were five. The magician went a little faster, and everything felt hot and full and distracting. Next, Illumi tried to count the protrusions on the popcorn ceiling, and lost count at fifty-seven. The Zoldyck switched to the walls and was fairly certain they were Pantone 18-16..3....damn, _ah_..he couldn't tell. Every push dragged the magician's cock over Illumi's prostate on both the up and down-stroke. The assassin gave up and panted loudly. He flicked his eyes over to Hisoka and saw his ear-to-ear grin. 

"Mmm..For once, your arrogance is warranted," Illumi sighed candidly. 

The joker's arched brows went higher. "Are you admitting I'm a good fuck, dear?" Looking on curiously, he punctuated nearly every consonant with a dead-on thrust. 

"I see no point in lying." 

"Hm." 

"I wouldn't be here— _Ah!_ —if you weren't—Mmmm..—talented," the assassin panted. 

"Ah, but there's more to it?" Hisoka pressed. Ah, so he saw. Illumi noticed the clown's makeup was smeared beyond recognition, yet he still looked utterly put together. Dangerous. 

The assassin paused; went with the easy way out. "Yes. You are particularly good at angling the head— _Ung! Ah..._ Kindly make me come now." 

It wasn't exactly slick where their bodies met, but they were sweaty enough that they slipped together joltingly. The magician's hips slammed into Illumi's in bruising intervals, seeming apt to tear him apart. Whenever there was a thrust, he was pulled back to meet it; The impact was _hard_. Illumi hissed at the satisfaction. The joker fucked him in rhythm now, digging lacquered nails in wherever he could. The assassin even thought he may have felt a heart subtly carved into his ass...to be dealt with later. Neither would last much longer. A trembling—yet no less lethal—hand slid to Hisoka's mouth; middle finger drawn in. The magician bit down and Illumi moaned, freeing his throbbing finger and shuddering with pleasure. This late in the game he always got disjointed. He had reached down to his own cock at some point and was thumbing the slit in time with the magician's thrusts. Hisoka's cock was thick and hard and right on the mark—the assassin was a moment away from coming.

Hisoka was a bedroom god, draped over Illumi in a way that he deliriously imagined must be what faith felt like to religious people. Blind trust and bells ringing in your ears in a churchyard. Wait, that wasn't faith—an approaching orgasm instead. It crashed over the assassin like a veil; his nails dug into his palms and he writhed like a drowning man. Hisoka kissed his shoulders and said profoundly nasty things in a profoundly low voice while Illumi shot strings over the bed; Jerked him through it too, hand pumping up, down. At least until his sultry voice cracked and he hammered out his last thrusts until he couldn't any longer; He was coming but still tried to fuck Illumi through it and the assassin shuddered and just took it. Took it because he wanted it, came here for it, for this.

When Hisoka pulled out, Illumi instantly rolled and cupped the joker's face between his hands. Oblivious to everything else, the assassin zoomed in on his features; Thin brows relaxed, satisfied. Red hair falling over his forehead. Smudged makeup, rounded shoulders. Wide grin, of course. There was no rule after sex that either of them had to comply, but the magician sat complacently as Illumi held him still at arm's length and looked him over with bottomless black pits of eyes. He knew, of course. Taking a mental snapshot, saving the memory. The joker smiled. Won, again. 

Seems good memories of Hisoka would continue to be forthcoming. The assassin would stick around, then. 

For a while.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this because I couldn't go through with my original sad idea, and because I really wanted to indulge my own headcanon that their sex switches (within seconds) between merciless and gentle, selfish and generous...it's a good thing they didn't actually fight this time hmm?? ;^) I hope you all enjoyed it! Until next time~ (^_^)v


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